Love in the Big Apple: Navigating Relationships and Mental Health in NYC

Photo by: Christina de la Cruz

By: Marianna Vandysheva, B.A. and Stefanie Jackowitz-Robinson, LMSW

That feeling of falling in love is unlike anything else; feeling lighter than air, giddy at anything and everything your partner says. It all feels so special and brand new.  Nourishing that love and maintaining a relationship over time is where the work comes in. In a big city like New York, can a relationship survive an uptown/downtown divide? Or an Interborough subway ride? 

“As anyone in a relationship knows, staying with a partner is incredibly difficult,“ says City Therapy couples therapist Austin González, MHC-LP. Relationships are more than just falling in love, they require effort, patience, and a willingness to grow together, even when the initial spark fades. It is about waking up and choosing your partner daily, through the good and the challenging moments alike. 

Open communication, regular compromise, and learning how to navigate a relationship, especially living in a big city, are all important factors in keeping new love alive in NYC. But even with the best intentions, relationships can face obstacles that feel impossible to work through sometimes. “The couples who often see the most improvement in their relationships are the couples who start therapy when they encounter challenges in their relationship that they feel they can't resolve on their own,” adds Gonzalez. Seeking therapy does not mean a relationship is failing, but it can mean that both partners are invested in making it stronger.

Big City, Big Feelings: Communication Challenges Among NYC Couples

Even the strongest relationships can have unexpected misunderstandings. In the moment, it can be easy to defend a point rather than express what is actually upsetting. Instead of addressing these feelings directly with a partner, many people tend to vent to friends or family, but the real conversation needs to happen within the relationship. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) highlights how small shifts in language, like using “I feel” instead of “You make me feel,” can prevent defensiveness and foster open dialogue (Peterson, 2020). 

Honest communication that focuses on emotions and needs rather than blame helps build deeper understanding and connection. For couples in a city like New York, where stress and the fast pace of life can be overwhelming at times, making the effort to communicate clearly and intentionally is even more essential.

For many NYC couples, communication is about more than just expressing emotions, it is also about understanding each other’s backgrounds and perspectives. Cultural, religious, ethnic, and linguistic differences are often a common part of relationships in such a diverse city. This makes open and honest discussions about values, traditions, and expectations even more essential to building a strong foundation. Research on interfaith and intercultural relationships shows that couples who engage in honest conversations about their backgrounds are better able to navigate conflicts that arise from cultural misunderstandings and differing family expectations (Machette & Cionea, 2023). 

Communication is key in other areas such as discussions about finances, as different views on spending, saving, and financial priorities can create tension if not addressed openly. Partners often avoid financial discussions, anticipating negativity, but in actuality, regular financial communication is associated with improved financial health and relationship satisfaction (Donnelly et al., 2023). 

Practical conversations about commuting and living arrangements also play a role in relationship harmony. Where to live, how to divide responsibilities at home, and how to balance work and personal time are all topics of conversation that require thoughtful and intentional communication. 

Communication is about working together as a team to tackle challenges, not seeing each other as the problem. More often than not, the real issue lies in external stressors and not in the relationship itself. Approaching these conversations with openness and receptiveness allows for communication to be part of the solution rather than a source of conflict. Once the relationship masters the art of communication, the next step is learning the art of compromise and finding common ground. 

Balancing Love: Navigating Compromise in Relationships 

As the Rolling Stones (1969) once said, “You can’t always get what you want.” When you are in a relationship, those words reign true. Compromising is about finding a middle ground on issues that are important to both partners. And, if you can’t find a middle ground, acknowledging and naming what feels inflexible can help to clear a path forward.

  “Compromise is probably the number one thing I talk about in my couples sessions,” shares City Therapy clinician, Ilsa Nagel, LMSW. “[It is] best explored when each partner is able to empathize and validate their partner’s perspectives using reflective listening.  People are often more willing to make compromises when they can better understand where their partner is coming from.”  

Practicing empathy and validating your partner's feelings even when you are not in the agreement allows for both partners to feel worthy in the relationship. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. says that compromise can’t feel perfect. All partners will gain something and lose something. The important thing is feeling understood and respected (Lisitsa, 2013).

Every relationship has its ups and downs. It’s how you navigate those difficult moments where compromise is key that separates the relationships that last from the ones that don't.

Love and Logistics: Navigating Relationships in the City That Never Sleeps

New York City is a playground of excitement when it comes to activities to do with your partner.  Making time for one another and being open to sharing in each other’s interests signals that you matter to your partner. “Often one partner is more excited about a particular activity, and the other may feel less enthused,” says Gonzalez. “This is an opportunity and a chance to experience something new with your partner. It does not mean you both have to commit to this passion.” 

Within the four walls of a notoriously small New York City apartment, partners may need to have additional conversations about boundaries, routines, and personal space. In addition, the sheer population of New York City and the number of its residents can be intimidating when looking for love. 

“When you live in a city like New York, where you are constantly surrounded by people and observing other relationships and dynamics,I think it can be easy to compare or question if you are with the right person,”  adds Nagel. 

 Mode of transportation and travel time can also play a role in the longevity of an NYC love story. If one partner doesn’t live near a subway line and the other doesn’t have the budget for regular taxi rides, can it last? 

 No matter the topic, the key to maintaining a strong relationship is making space for open, respectful conversations where both parties feel seen and heard, and where each partner takes the other into consideration when finding a solution. In a city that never slows down, making time for communication and compromise is essential for building and nurturing a thriving relationship. 

When There's a Will, There's a Way: Making It Work with Couples Therapy

Sometimes, navigating the complexities of a relationship requires more, which is why when communication struggles arise or challenges feel too difficult to resolve, seeking couples therapy in New York City can provide the clarity and support needed to move forward. 

“Being able to recognize the need for an independent, third-party perspective and therapeutic interventions is the first step towards improving one's relationship,” says González. A therapist does not hand out solutions or tell couples what to do but rather helps them see their own power in shaping their relationship’s future. 

“People often enter couples therapy because they feel they cannot handle the problems in their relationship on their own,” González explains. “My job is not to fix their problems or to make them feel better. My job is to help them realize their own power in this crisis. They are the experts on their relationship and on themselves. They have the problems, the solutions, and the tools to provide opportunities for their partner to succeed. When we stop allowing our partners to even try, this often is a significant crisis point.”

A couples therapist offers a space for both partners to be heard, assists in working through conflicts, and helps to develop healthier ways for partners to relate. Whether it is finding common ground on financial decisions, balancing each other’s needs, or learning to compromise on important life choices, couples therapy can help couples navigate these conversations with greater understanding. 

With many couples therapists in NYC accepting insurance, professional support is more accessible than ever. For couples feeling stuck, therapy can be the first step toward rebuilding connection and creating a stronger, more resilient partnership that continues to grow, even through the unique challenges of life in the Big Apple.

References: 

Donnelly, G. E., Garcia-Rada, X., Olson, J. G., Nikolova, H., & Norton, M. I. (2023). Couples underestimate the benefits of talking about money. Centre for Economic Policy Research.https://cepr.org/system/files/2023-07/Couples%20Underestimate%20the%20Benefits%20of%20Talking%20About%20Money%20-%20E.%20Donnelly%20Ximena%20Garcia-Rada%20Jenny%20G.%20Olson%20Hristina%20Nikolova%20Michael%20I.%20Norton_0.pdf

Peterson, A. (2020, June 10). Book review: Nonviolent Communication. Mental Health @ Home.https://mentalhealthathome.org/2020/06/10/book-review-nonviolent-communication/

Machette, A. T., & Cionea, I. A. (2023). In-laws, communication, and other frustrations: The challenges of intercultural marriages. Interpersona, 17(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.5964/ijpr.8047

Lisitsa, Ellie. (2013, January 10). Manage Conflict: The Art of Compromise. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-art-of-compromise/

The Rolling Stones. (1969). You Can’t Always Get What You Want [Song]. On Let It Bleed. London Records; Decca Records.